The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
