i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
