So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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