Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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