Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
