Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
