I just pynch a tree in the face
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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