Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
