i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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