when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
