I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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