angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
