i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Randomize
