hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
