I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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