I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
