I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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