The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
