So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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