So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
