You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
