Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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