You smell like stripper and shame
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
