I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
