Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
