Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
