DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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