I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he fucked my hip out of place.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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