Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
