I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
