and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
