Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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