ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
