i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
