This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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