Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
