apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
