they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
