i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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