I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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