you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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