Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
