I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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