PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
