They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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