So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We have started to decorate penises.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
