After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
