you had me at cake vodka
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
