I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
