i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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